Living in Indiana means that the weather is always changing. I didn’t go to St. Vincent de Paul food pantry because of the bitter cold. I usually go with Todd but he wasn’t going with me today. I try to go early so that I can get in line and the sooner or earlier that I get there the earlier that I am home.
Being home alone I don’t have anyone to keep me awake so I come home and do what I need to do. I get my showers and go to bed early. I talk to Todd while he is at work. I guess that I should get my shower and go to bed since it seems like there is nothing else for me to do tonight.
When Michael died there were lots of things going on in our marriage and we weren’t always on the same page. I have been trying to write him a letter but it’s not been working like I had hoped it would. There are times that I know what I want to say and can say them then there are times that I am blank. I miss him and wish that he was here with me so I wasn’t alone. My life has changed since he has been gone but I don’t know what to do about certain things. His kids don’t want anything to do with me which that is there choice. I”m not going to push things if you want me then you need to let me know. I am struggling money wise but don’t want to ask for help either. Life right now is just hard. I haven’t gone back to OA because I don’t want to go back until I have things straight at home. I want to be committed to OA when I go I go back or I don’t want to go back. Things with Todd are great and I wouldn’t have it any other way but I just wish that I didn’t have to lose Michael for things to be this way. There are things with Todd that I don’t know where I stand but I don’t want to bring it up for fear that I will lose him again. I constantly pray for help that I am not alone.
It’s been almost three months since Michael has been gone but there are days that it seems like it just happened. My life has changed since he is no longer with me. I have learn to accept things that I didn’t want to accept when he was with me. I knew that he loved me without an condition and finding that love again scares me. I have a guy best friend whom has changed my world but I can’t ask him to love me in the same way that Michael once did. Yesterday was Michael’s birthday and I forget to wish his bother a happy birthday because the day was just sad for me. I tried to stay happy and do what I could for myself. I know that I don’t have to find someone to replace Michael right now but I am lonely.
I am working on changing my way of eating to the keto way of eating which is less carbs. Today I have struggled but I went to the grocery store to get somethings that I needed so get me through the week. I made some egg muffins so that I have breakfast on the run. I want to eat healthy and exercise so that I am making wise choices. I want to do what is best for my health. A while back I had a breast cancer scare and since then I thought that it was time to start making better choices is my way of living. I lost 26 pounds and I want to lose a lot more.
It’s been a rough day since I haven’t had a whole lot of sleep. I spent sometime with my best friend but now I feel like I should let him go. I feel like he deserves better than me. As much as I love him I want him to be happy. I cried all the way home tonight thinking about him. We have been back together for more than two months without anything going wrong but no the doubt is setting making things worse. I love that man more than anything and would do anything for him. I’m scared to death that he is going to walk away again and I will never see him again. Everyday I am grateful to have had him in my life despite the things that have happened between us.
Well I am off to go to bed, I hope that everyone has a safe and happy New Year.
Merry Christmas fellow writers and readers. It’s 7 o’clock on Christmas morning in the Stroud house and it’s the first Christmas without Michael. I have tried to send as many holiday cheers as I can without feeling like I am overdoing it. I’ve been talking to my ex and he has been good company but he has a life that he has to attend to. I try to write to keep my mind off of what is bothering me or I write in my journal so that I can deal with things. Being a widow is strange and I feel very alone. Family friends of ours gave me a gift card to go out to dinner so that I would get out knowing that I spend so much time home alone. Well I just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.
Since losing Michael life has been a crazy mess. I still have tons of things to do but haven’t got them done. I’m stressed about money like I always am. I have some good friends whom are worried about me but know that I am okay when I am with my family. Todd has been good to me since he has been back in my life. He texts me or sends me a message just about everyday which brightens up my day. Stephanie at work keeps me going when I want to give up and just go home. Vonda has been my best friend for years and is always there for me whenever I need her. Of course I have Simon our cat to keep me company when no one is around and he gives me love. I try to make everyday a good day but some days I struggle. I miss Michael and miss having him around when I don’t feel up to do certain things. Well I just wanted to wish everyone a happy holiday. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.