It seems that with some much going on that I feel lost. I haven’t been to work in over four days and I feel like I am lost in the world. Nothing from Todd so that doesn’t surprise me because I know what I mean to him. I miss work but just want to go back without question. I have been up since 4:30 this morning and I wish that I could curl up and just go back to bed. I’m doing what I can but I feel like I am just living without thought. I finished another notebook which means that I wrote enough poems or sentences to fill a notebook.
I am going back to work tomorrow and I hope that I come in with good news. I have my hand surgery next Friday. I just hope that the next couple days go quick so that I can focus on other things. I hope that I can move on without Todd but he doesn’t seem to get far from my mind.
The last couple weeks have been anything but normal since seeing and talking to Todd. We are strangers again and I feel like he just left me again. I miss him so much. As much as I want to be with him I know that will never happen and those are his words not mine. I gave him my heart and never asked for anything in return. I know that I will never be Kristy(the one he wants).
There are times I feel like I am drowning in my own pain. I wanted things with Todd that I thought would happen and when they didn’t I just let myself get hurt. Please understand that I do love Michael but it’s not the same love it was from when we first got married. I feel more like his caretaker than his wife. I am trying to fall in love with him again but I am also trying to separate myself from Todd.
I love two men but only one of them loves me and for one of them my love is enough but for the other it isn’t enough. I wish that I was half the person that Kristy is so that I could be with Todd but I”m not. When I think about my life right now I don’t know who I am or where I belong.
I am still surprised that Todd even wanted to talk to me since we hadn’t spoken in over three months. I wonder if he even thinks about me or misses me half as much as I miss him.
For the last few days I have been sick and haven’t gone to work. I hate not being there. Yesterday was horrible when I couldn’t talk and now I just feel like I have no energy left inside of me. I want to curl up and just sleep. I made a doctor’s appointment for this morning. I am missing out on hours that I need to be working. I am having surgery next week on my right hand so that is going to have me off for a couple days. I can’t put into words how I feel right now because I can’t even explain it. I also have therapy this afternoon so I have to get out of the house. I just want to curl up and sleep but that’s not helping me either.
A week ago on Friday we spoke to one another but now we are strangers again. I can’t believe he wanted to talk to me. It hurt so much to know that he is gone again. I wish that he would have kept his distance so I wouldn’t have to hurt so much. I don’t know what to believe or what to feel. I miss him more than words could say. I feel like part of me is gone and there is nothing that I can do. I have tried to stop the feelings that I have for him but it just makes me fall for him more. I’m heart broken but I expected things from him that he wasn’t willing to give, which was my fault. I guess I am an idiot for thinking that someone like him would care about me. I guess I don’t deserve him.
I guess you could say that I need to say this out loud for the whole world to hear since I don’t know what people think. I am grateful to have had you in my life for the things that you taught me. You were there for me when I needed you. I won’t change how I feel about you because the more I try to deny the more I fall. Despite the fact the fact that you didn’t love me, I still love the fact that we were close. I have no regrets despite where we are in our relationship or our lack of relationship now. I miss you every morning and night and all time in between. My heart is still broken and there is nothing that I can do to make things any easier. I know that my love isn’t what you want but I won’t ever stop loving you. Thank you for being in my life and giving me a strength and being a cheerleader when I needed one. I always felt special because I got to have your attention. I am sorry for the mistake and for being angry with you. I have never said I was perfect but I will never deny my love. You did things for me that I never asked for and I am so grateful that you did. Thank you for being you and being someone on the other end who would listen to me when I needed you. I still wish that you would have been in my life for my 40th birthday. So much has happened and you haven’t been around. I miss having you in my life. I will always be here for you but know that I will never be the one that you want. I will never be your Kristy. I miss spending movie and dinner nights with you. You treated me like a princess. I loved you for all the things that you did for me. It doesn’t matter what I say here because it won’t change our current state and it won’t change whether you want me or not. You changed my life and changed me. Being there for me at church meant the world to me. The fact that you hugged me in public means more to than you could ever know. Maybe one day you will know and understand how much I love you.
My heart is a mess again. After being blocked and not seeing him for three months it was hard to deal with what happened today. He had printed something and I took it to the control room thinking that he would be gone by then but he wasn’t. He caught up to me and made small talk. As I walked away from him my heart broke and I missed him.
Why did you talk to me, if you block me on Facebook? If you were going to talk to me, then why didn’t you hug me bye like you used to do?
I don’t know what to believe anymore, my heart is so broken. Michael is pissed and worried that I am going to get my heart broken again but I have never been healed from the first time my heart was broken from this other man. I spent the morning in tears and not knowing what to think.
Pulling into the garage Friday morning I saw him getting into a van, my heart stopped and I couldn’t breath. Seeing him was like experiencing him breaking my heart all over again. I miss him so much. I thought that I was getting over him but after seeing him, I feel like I am just beginning this whole thing over. This whole experience has taken the life out of me. I am grateful for meeting him and for my job at the library. I’m not the same person that I was when I met him. I’m doing all that I can to move on with my life but it seems like I am stuck right where I am at. I know that because of him I am writing more which is good. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.