nothing has changed

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Last night I finally got the truth out of Michael about Todd and it just makes things even worse. Todd had prior to things decided to unfriend me. So last night I sent him an email telling him that I knew the truth but I got a response from him but nothing else. I knew that things wouldn’t change. I don’t know why he even bothered to send it to me if things weren’t going to change.

Last night in OA we are working on the steps and currently working on step 4 and writing down our issues. I have come to realize a lot of things and I do owe Todd an amends for the things that I have done and haven’t told him. I have been nothing but honest and they both have screwed me. I have seen Todd both days at work and I have a feeling that I will probably see him again today.

I guess that I really didn’t matter to either one of them since I feel like I keep getting lied too. I constantly feel like my heart is breaking and I am having a heart attack. As quick as he responded to my message last night I wonder if Michael told him while I was writing it. Michael said that if I leave that I have to take our cat because he can’t afford to take care of him.

My heart is so lost. This pain is worse then when I lost my brother 9 years ago. I love and miss Todd so much but it means nothing. Like I said in my email that all my tears don’t matter.

Constant pain

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Everyday I get out of bed and hope for the best, that love may return. But still it’s not happening. Last night Michael hit the door so hard that our cat and I just sat there, scared. I don’t think that he would physically harm me but my emotional state right now is through the roof. Every breathe that I breathe, I feel like I am dying and there is no way to save me,.

The person that I love the most won’t speak to me and won’t even listen to me. I’m scared and wonder why I am going through this much pain. Why did God do this to me, why did Todd have to leave? I know that I shouldn’t have sent that goodbye letter but I was put in a position that I didn’t know what else to do. Letting go was the last thing that I wanted to do.

My faith has gone down hill and I don’t know what to believe anymore. Words alone can’t express how I feel inside. I have all these positives but the one negative is what’s killing me most. I know that when Michael and Todd talk that they don’t even talk about me anymore. I have become the non factor. Michael keeps pushing things and just keeps pushing me out the door. I am trying but the harder I try the worst things get.

There is shelter close to our apartment and I thought about checking it out just see if I could stay there for a few days. I’m scared and don’t know where else to turn. Todd will probably never come back.

2 weeks of utter pain

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It’s been two weeks today since he unfriended me on Facebook and all I do is wonder if he will ever come back. I question what value I was to him. I hear from people that he always talks about me. I believe in his and his sobriety. I lost four pounds last week after starting Weight Watchers but I also don’t have an appetite to eat either.  I don’t like myself right now and don’t know how to be the person that I was.

Every time I breathe the knife in my heart plunges further in and I keep waiting for something to happen. I sat in the car one day and just cried and screamed. I have only screamed once and that was when I lost my brother 9 years ago. I am angry with God because I don’t know why this happened. I didn’t make it to my OA meeting last night because traffic was so bad. Yesterday was my 60 days and I couldn’t even enjoy it.

If I wouldn’t have listened to Michael I wouldn’t have sent Todd that goodbye letter and I don’t know that we would be here now. Michael wants our marriage fixed and I don’t even know where I am right now. Saying goodbye to Todd is killing me and I don’t have him to talk to anymore.

My heart has been crushed

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On Thursday morning my life seem to come to a complete stop. The man that I had fallen in love with had unfriended/blocked me on Facebook and I was instantly crushed. Every time I try to breathe it hurts and there are times when I feel like someone is sucking the air right out of me. I have been through pain before but not like this, this even hurts worse then when my brother died. On top of that he is coming back to the same branch that I work at so we will have to see each other from time to time. When I think of the times that I have spent with him, I smile and try to hold onto those memories.

I pushed into sending him a goodbye letter that I never wanted to do but had too. Now I know why he is gone but I was hoping that I was good enough to keep around. I miss being in his arms and hearing his talk. He always made me smile and I felt like I had it all with him. I miss talking to him on Facebook and seeing him.

My husband has pushed me away and I don’t think that things can be saved but if I leave, I have nowhere else to go. He doesn’t care about his health or doing what he can to improve things.

I keep hoping for a friend request from him but it hasn’t happened. My friends tell me that he is an idiot but that doesn’t make me feel any better. There is nothing I can do but pray for something to happen. I pray he comes back and wants to try things. I love him unconditionally but know that it doesn’t matter. I keep waiting for my heart to clasp from the pain.

trial separation

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With all these things that have happened in the last few months I told Michael that we need to find a way to spend sometime apart. But still I haven’t spoken with the other guy since last Thursday and he doesn’t know about the separation yet. Michael and I don’t know what to believe with him because he says he only wants a friendship with me but there seems to be more there. He has posted things on Facebook and on messenger to me but I haven’t responded to them. I want him more than words can say but there is nothing that I can do to be with me. The truth is if he doesn’t want me then I am done with him because the pain hurts beyond words. It’s hard to sit on Facebook and know that he is on as well and not speak to him.

The pain is to the point that I want to scream and all I do is cry. I haven’t wanted to scream since my brother died and this seems to hurt just as much or worse then that. This is the 5th time that we have gone through his where I walk away from him and we don’t speak for a few days and we just go to the way things were before. I love him more than he could ever know. But the thing that bothers me most is I feel like he thinks its about the sex and it’s not. If that never happened again, so what, I just want to be with him. Despite all the events that have happened, he is a good guy and I want him to stay clean but I wish that he wanted me half as much as I want him.

There is a great fear that I will never be with him again or speak to him again. I was angry with him the other night about what he posted on Facebook about boundaries, so I wrote him a letter to say goodbye. I haven’t sent it but I have it saved so that if I do decide to send it I know how to copy and paste. I’m supposed to trust my instincts and that says that he loves and wants me but when he keeps saying no, I don’t know what to believe.

Exhausted/frustrated

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It’s been a long day. I woke up at 4:30 this morning and then only worked a couple hours because I felt sick. I tried to come home and sleep but that didn’t work. My body is exhausted but I’m frustrated with my marriage because I’m ready for it to be over. I’ve been trying to stick to my eating schedule but it’s been a rough day and I have no focus. I miss Todd but I am trying to keep my distance but it doesn’t seem to be working.

Not being with Todd is killing me. Todd doesn’t want what I want so things are just crazy between us. He says he doesn’t love me but he sure is protective over me. He always wants to talk to me. My husband won’t back off and that is just driving me away faster. I’m having hot sweats that I can’t control. I don’t feel good. I can’t get enough sleep.

Daily Eating Plan

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Each day you must sit down how you plan to eat for the day below will be how I plan to eat. Since I am currently trying to lose weight I try to only eat about 1,200 calories per day with at least 20 minutes of exercise per day. I make goals so that I have something to focus on. This process isn’t easy since we are living on food stamps and I don’t make that much money.

Breakfast: Liquid or 300 calories

Lunch: Meat, veggie or fruit, & carb

Dinner: meat, veggie or fruit, & carb

1,200 to 1,800 no more

1 to 2 liters water per day

5k steps per day

No soda

Goal: 1 to 2 pounds per week

Monday morning weigh-in

Work everyday

Read OA/AA

Let Go! Let God!