Pulling into the garage Friday morning I saw him getting into a van, my heart stopped and I couldn’t breath. Seeing him was like experiencing him breaking my heart all over again. I miss him so much. I thought that I was getting over him but after seeing him, I feel like I am just beginning this whole thing over. This whole experience has taken the life out of me. I am grateful for meeting him and for my job at the library. I’m not the same person that I was when I met him. I’m doing all that I can to move on with my life but it seems like I am stuck right where I am at. I know that because of him I am writing more which is good. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.
Well it’s been three months since I heard from Todd so I have come to realize that I have to have a new life without him. He will probably never speak to me again so I moved on with life. I do miss him everyday and still love him for changing my life. I am not ungrateful for all the experiences that he gave me. I am trying not to be bitter for the pain that he caused me. I love my job at the library and wouldn’t have it any other way. I know that I’ll never be to him what I want and I’ll never be the best friend that I once was. Whenever I say his name or think of him, it hurts like he walked away again. Sitting here at Starbucks is a grim reminder of the time that I spent with him. I’ll always say a prayer for him that he be safe. I cherish all the memories that we had together.
On to other things, I get to meet the newest baby in our family this weekend, my mom turned a year older today, and we get more hours at work for a few weeks, so life isn’t bad right now. I’m trying to stay positive despite feeling really crummy. I’m going to go home from here, make dinner and get a shower since I won’t be watching Thursday night football.
Hope that everyone has a good weekend.
I’m currently working on book two and it’s coming along but not at the pace that I would like. I’m writing but I haven’t gotten much feedback from my editors which has me wondering if I need to rewrite what I have or what I have is good. The muse that I have been using for the last six months doesn’t seem to be going away but I would rather have something else.
Then on top of writing I have my OA life and making sure that I have things done at home. I try not to bring my life from work home but my job doesn’t have a lot of drama so I don’t have that worry. We are moving again soon so I have to pack things up and I don’t look forward to that. I just know that my life is crazy right now.
Everyday I get up and start my day just like anyone else does but I think of Todd and remember that he hasn’t contacted me in almost 3 months. I think about how much my life has changed and how I miss the happiness that I felt being with him. I have good days and bad days but I try not to focus on the bad days.. I go to work and pray that it won’t be the day that I won’t run into him. I don’t know what I will see or how I will even react. My heart is still broken and I am trying to move pass this,.
My focus is to get back to work on my OA and staying with my recovery. I don’t want to gain anymore weight and I want to do my service work to help those who still suffer like I do from compulsive eating.
Everyday I deal with pain and heartbreak but I get up and go to work despite not wanting to face the world. It’s been almost three months since I saw Todd and I still wonder if I ever meant to him nearly what he means to me. I spend a lot of days writing but I won’t lie that I am still very depressed. I’ve been back to OA but still struggling with my food but seeking to get back to where I was before my life got turned upside down. I’m trying to stick to the plan of eating three meals a days with one snack without anything else but it’s not going according to plan. Tomorrow is my 12 year wedding anniversary but we don’t have plans to do anything because we don’t have the money to go out. I’m doing my best to get back deep in to OA so I don’t focus on the food but the service and other things that I need to do in this life. Not focusing on the food means that I deal with all of my issues head on and that’s something that I don’t want to do. It means that I realize that Todd will never come back and this is the life that I have made the choice to live. It’s making the choice to live for today and not tomorrow or the past. I’m scared that I’ll never seem him again or will never hear his voice again. Life is just plain scary right now.
It’s been awhile since I wrote anything but much hasn’t changed. I still miss Todd and he still hasn’t talked to me or seen me. Life is still rough but I am still kicking despite days when I want to give up. Michael has been trying to give me support but some days it’s just easier if I deal with things alone. As much as I want to be with Todd I know that it will never happen. But when Michael doesn’t want to take care of himself then I don’t know what I am supposed to believe. My heart tells me that things aren’t right but I can’t give up on my marriage of almost 13 years. I miss being with Todd and feeling like I was important to him. He believes that I am obsessed with him when I am just heart broken. It’s hard to walk away from something that you believe in.
With everything that is going on and having so many feelings going on that I don’t know where to begin. Every sentence that I write isn’t coming out the way that I want it to. I want to scream from the pain and I want to scream at him for hurting me. I trusted him and he hurt me.
Now I question people’s loyality because I don’t know who is true and who isn’t because I don’t know how many lies I was told by him. I saw the girl that he is in love with the other day and that was just like sticking a knife through my heart. She is lucky but doesn’t want him or at least that is what I have been told.
I keep trying to giving him the benefit of the doubt despite what he has done. Michael is so worried that he is going to come take me away but I know that isn’t going to happen. I don’t want him anymore, not with all the pain that he has caused me.
He has changed me and the feelings that I have now I have never had before. I am scared and worried about the decisions that I have made. I have made the choice to stay with Michael because I don’t want to give up our marriage of almost 13 years. I know that this other man doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to be with me.