It’s been three long horrible weeks since I have spoken or heard anything from Todd and now it just plain hurts. I haven’t seen him at work but don’t know what to think. I feel like part of me has left the building. Sorry for being away but with my foot issues, I have been everywhere. Between my emotions and financial issues, life has just been crazy.
Got my 90 day review at work and was all positive and my next review will come around my one year anniversary. I love my job since the books don’t yell at me and don’t treat me like I don’t deserve to live. I get along with most people at work and always try to have a positive attitude. I am still able to write when I can so I am looking forward to getting the next book done.
My focus is to get my poems typed up for my editor so that I can get some revisions done and ready to send to publishers. I have also started to write very short stories but still have so much that I want to do. One day I am ready to get a new Surface Pro so that I can spend my time writing.
I’m done fighting for you because you stopped fighting for me. It’s been over a month since we actually talked and things haven’t changed. I believed in you and you just kept hurting me. You must not care anymore since you blocked and unfriended me. I have done nothing but be honest and love you and I get punished for it. I won’t respond to you since you don’t care enough about me to be honest with me.
Yes, things are great at work despite my broken ankle. Yes, I told Art that you were looking for him. Tomorrow is my 90 days at work and it’s nice to finally have a job that I love. I won’t let you down at work because it’s important to me. When people bring you up at work, I don’t say anything negative about you and don’t blame you for what we are now. I am proud to have had you in my life. I still care for you but I am done.
There are reasons why we pushed one another away and I don’t know why but it’s probably the reason why we are here now. I know now that if you cared or loved me, you wouldn’t have hurt me so much. I love you with every ounce of my being but it’s not enough for you.
Every memory of us that I have, I hold onto because it’s the best memories of you that I have.
From this moment on the only thing I am focusing on is work and OA, making sure that I stick to things and doing what is best for me.
If you have been following me for awhile then you are aware of my struggles. On Thursday morning I got a new cast for my left ankle. So on top of being an emotional wreck my left foot is bothering me. I’m spending the day with my parent’s which I do about once or twice a month. We also got word that we will be moving into another apartment in our complex into a ground floor apartment. But I can’t get one person off my mind.
My husband doing what he can to take care of me which is nice. I am off work tomorrow so there is a lot that we have to do. I’ve been trying to write as much as I can but I would really like to sleep for a couple days. My mind is so full that I don’t know how to concentrate on things. I’m exhausted and just wishing for things to be different.
I’m struggling food wise today by eating all that I can. Since I can’t go for a walk with my ankle being hurt. I am trying to stay positive despite feeling very depressed. I’m burning up and wishing that I could curl up and go to bed.
To all of those who read my blog and that care for me, this one is for you. I know that it comes across as I am hurting and that I am but I don’t think death is in my near future. Despite the pain that sparks my writing I don’t feel that I will be taken anytime soon.
I won’t lie, I spend time thinking about all of you and work. I do love my job and not being there as much as I want to be as thrown me a curve ball. Writing this blog helps me face my demons head on and I know that I am not alone.
My friends in OA give me a support that I can’t explain because I know that they understand my troubles. To my family that also loves me unconditionally but part of me tells me that you have blinders on to what I am feeling and that you just want what’s best for me.
Its 4 in the morning and I can’t sleep so that’s why I am writing this. Going to my Wednesday night OA meeting was a breathe of fresh air and seeing faces that remind me to breathe and that I will make are what keep me going.
The love of my family reminds me that I have made it this far and I still have strength to keep going. My love for Michael and T are why I haven’t given up and keep fighting.
Letting go and giving it to God is hard but I am just hope that he leads me to where I want to be. Just know that this blog helps me face the tough times and that I’m not going down without a fight.
It seems the more I think about T the more I seem to lose faith. I can’t understand why God would let me feel this way and hurt this much. T won’t even talk to me and him unfriending me makes me wish that death would happen soon. In almost 40 years I have never felt like this before. He is all that I think about and wonder why God put him in my life just to take him away.
I don’t understand that if T doesn’t love but seeing him upset I question what his true feelings are. I hate myself every time I breathe. If I leave my husband I have no guarantees to get to be with T and then again I risk the life that I already have. All that I know is that not being with T that I am not truly happy. I walk away from T then I also give up my faith because I believe in him with all that I am.
I keep thinking that if I would just cut a little farther that I wouldn’t wake up and I wouldn’t have to be here anymore. I love T so much that it’s hard to breathe and the butterflies are going crazy in my stomach. He said that he wasn’t going anywhere and now he’s gone. I’m more scared to live than I am to die. If I walk away then I am walking away from all that I have ever wanted but T did all he could to make sure that he wasn’t what I wanted.
When he left I lost my best friend and now I feel like I have nothing. Mom tells me to have hope that he will come back for me and that maybe we could start something together but I don’t know what to think. I’m still going to my OA meetings and trying to focus on what I need to worry about but he doesn’t leave my mind or heart. I’m lost at every turn.
Between my broken foot and heart, I don’t know which hurts worse. I had a dream about the man that I was in love with and it’s got me on edge today.
In the dream we were married and he was having affairs and I knew about them but still loved them. I woke up crying and missing him. I can’t even find the words to describe how it felt.
When I saw him last Saturday in the control room, I don’t know if he was upset from seeing me or what. I don’t know if my honesty has bothered him so much that he would get upset or what. I know that he has been around the page desk at work talking to his friends but not talking to me.
One of the woman that I work with has been telling him everything that I say which means I feel like I am being stabbed in the back. I was going to work today but got up so exhausted and in pain that I didn’t go.
All I know is that he is gone and I don’t know that he will ever come back. I asked my boss about a transfer and she doesn’t want me to leave. I love my job despite being stabbed in the back by people. I have maybe two or three real friends at work.
I’ve stopped counting how long he has been gone because it’s been long enough that it just hurts to think about it. I love TAC with all my heart!
So many painful days have come since the last time that I wrote anything. I still haven’t heard from the man of my dreams. I saw him last Saturday and that was the last time that anything has ever happened.
Leaving for work on Wednesday, I fell down and broke my ankle which has made things even worse since I have to stay off my foot at work.
On Monday I was blocked from him and left work early because it had me so upset. Then I went to block one of my friends (or so I thought) found that I wasn’t her friend anyways. On Tuesday of this week I told my boss that I think that I need to transfer to another branch because I’m not wanted at our branch. I told her from the time I walk in at work the only thing that I am to focus on is work.
I will not be friends with anyone since it’s that I can’t trust people around there. Sitting here at home and not being at work is bothering me terribly because I am not making any money sitting here at home.
Every moment of everyday I think about him and it’s hard to hold back the tears because every moment is hard to live. I want to believe that he misses me and that he wants me in his life but I don’t know anymore.
The pain of my broken left ankle hurts but still not as much as it is missing and loving him. I’m ready to sleep my life away because the pain is just so much that I don’t know how to handle it anymore.