It seems like to me know matter how hard we try the world seems unfair. Every time we think that we might get ahead things happen and we end up with nothing. I never thought that life would be easy but I didn’t think that I would get hit with so many blows. For every positive thing that happens something bad happens to make us step back a step. I try to stay positive but sometimes I just can’t do it. Despite having faith I feel like I am being punished for something and wish that I knew why. Today live the life best that I can despite the troubles that are in front of me.
You would think that my relationship with Todd would change things but I still have days that I feel very alone. I didn’t talk to Todd much today before he left to go to a meeting plus I am not sure if I will talk to him tonight after his other meeting. I am scared that I am going to lose him the same way that I lost Michael. I am at home by myself just sitting here in thought. I can’t afford to go out and spend any money. My world is just such a lonely place.
The man that I have been in love with for the last year told me last night that he loved me. Today when he didn’t talk to me the way he usually did I thought the worst. I always fear that I am going to lose people including him.
Just being with this man makes me happy and I am the happiest that I have been in a long time. We watch movies together and hang out. He is so special to me. I don’t know where our relationship is going but I don’t want to be with anyone else but him.
I have been on a cloud since he said it to me. I feel like I’m in a dream and I’m waiting to wake up. This man means the world to me. I love TAC.
Last night I tried to stay with my best friend but I couldn’t relax so I ended up coming home. I feel really bad about it because I feel like doing that I have pushed him away. I don’t want to lose him because he means so much to me. I love being with him and I have a joy with him that I haven’t felt in a long time. I keep telling myself not to overthink about things because if I do I will lose him. I can be next to him and feel like the world is the way it’s supposed to be.
On the other side, life has been good today despite my lack of sleep last night. I am still worried about rent and trying to pay my bills when I am not working as much as I was before. I have to buy food but can’t afford too because I have to have a roof over my head. I’m considered working poor. So how are you doing on this Friday afternoon?
I have been spending time with Todd and I don’t want to say that things have changed with us but they have. I don’t want to overthink things and risk losing what I have with him. He met me today for coffee at Starbucks and he was such a sweet guy. I love being with him. I thank God everyday that I have him in my life. I am a different person because he is in my life. I try not to talk about him because I don’t want to make him think that I am telling people about us.
Onto other news, I had a test at work today and didn’t do as good as I had hoped. I just glad that my boss is supportive and was willing to tell me what I didn’t do right. I love my job and so grateful to have it. Today has been a good day despite the test and all that I have on my mind. I’ve gone back to OA and trying to get back to where I was before. I am trying not to eat compulsively. I want to lose this weight and keep it off. I am doing my best not to snack and to eat three meals a day.
Since now I don’t have someone to take care of like Michael anymore I have to find out who I am again. Now that Michael isn’t alive anymore I don’t have to be a step mom to his kids but that doesn’t stop the fact that I still love them and miss them. I want to go back to OA but I want to go back on my terms when I am ready. I have to find where I belong again. I am trying to accept the fact that Michael is never coming home. I still stress everyday about money and worry about what’s going to go wrong. Finding myself is like finding the perfect cup of coffee. I love coffee and right now my favorite thing is the Trenta sweet cream cold brew from Starbucks. Part of me is happy but part of me still doesn’t know what it means to be happy again. I just want to be myself without having people thinking that I am not good enough or worrying about how to make other people happy. I just want to find myself without hurting anyone.
Living in Indiana means that the weather is always changing. I didn’t go to St. Vincent de Paul food pantry because of the bitter cold. I usually go with Todd but he wasn’t going with me today. I try to go early so that I can get in line and the sooner or earlier that I get there the earlier that I am home.
Being home alone I don’t have anyone to keep me awake so I come home and do what I need to do. I get my showers and go to bed early. I talk to Todd while he is at work. I guess that I should get my shower and go to bed since it seems like there is nothing else for me to do tonight.