When I think about the last month of my life the more I wonder where I stand in the world. I know that people love me and care about me but I still don’t know what value I am worth. I haven’t cried since the last time that I saw Todd but I won’t say that I still don’t think about him or care about him. I do miss him but for all the pain that he has caused me I wonder what I was ever worth to him.
I’m scared about every decision I make for fear of hurting someone that I love or care about. I am staying regardless of my happiness because I owe it to Michael to make this work since he didn’t sign up for my mistakes. I love him but I question the value of love knowing what it’s done to me. I feel very alone even when I am surrounded by lots of people.
It’s hard to go to work when I fear that I will see Todd when right now I have nothing that I can say without coming off as a bitch but the pain I feel would give me that right, I guess. He has been called a womanizer but that’s not what I see. I see a great guy that has some issues and is trying to improve his life. I would assume that he has moved on and is dating Shelly.
Every time I think about him or just remember our time together, I feel like my chest is going to explode. I’m writing constantly but it’s not enough to make me feel better. I can’t find the right words to say or wonder if there would ever be words to make things right or fix things. I would walk away from him because the thought of trying to speak to him would still kill me.
On top of the constant roller coaster of my life, my foot, and the job that I love. I just feel like I’m being punished. I’m scared constantly and don’t know where I stand in the world. I don’t even know if Todd’s love would matter to me now or it would just make me feel worse. This world has become a dark and scary place. I pray every morning and night that I find my place. I trust my gut but it keeps letting me down. I’m letting go but it doesn’t seem to matter.
Where do you stand, in life, in the world? Does love change where you stand?