All Faith is Lost

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It seems the more I think about T the more I seem to lose faith. I can’t understand why God would let me feel this way and hurt this much. T won’t even talk to me and him unfriending me makes me wish that death would happen soon. In almost 40 years I have never felt like this before. He is all that I think about and wonder why God put him in my life just to take him away.

I don’t understand that if T doesn’t love but seeing him upset I question what his true feelings are. I hate myself every time I breathe. If I leave my husband I have no guarantees to get to be with T and then again I risk the life that I already have. All that I know is that not being with T that I am not truly happy. I walk away from T then I also give up my faith because I believe in him with all that I am.

I keep thinking that if I would just cut a little farther that I wouldn’t wake up and I wouldn’t have to be here anymore. I love T so much that it’s hard to breathe and the butterflies are going crazy in my stomach. He said that he wasn’t going anywhere and now he’s gone. I’m more scared to live than I am to die. If I walk away then I am walking away from all that I have ever wanted but T did all he could to make sure that he wasn’t what I wanted.

When he left I lost my best friend and now I feel like I have nothing. Mom tells me to have hope that he will come back for me and that maybe we could start something together but I don’t know what to think. I’m still going to my OA meetings and trying to focus on what I need to worry about but he doesn’t leave my mind or heart. I’m lost at every turn.

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