It’s not fare that I have to feel like this when he doesn’t even feel guilty for what he has done. I saw him today for the first time in over three weeks and it brought me to tears. I keep trying and he still does nothing. I don’t know why I bother if he cared he would talk to me by now. Just seeing him brought back all the pain.
I have gotten so far off track that I have started gaining weight. He has been so mean to me but I don’t know why. My heart aches when I think about him and what we could have been. I miss him so much. I feel like I lost more than my best friend but someone who was so much more than that.
I want to cut but I also want to curl up in a ball and just sleep. I have never hurt so much in my life. I deleted his text messages that meant so much to me and not being able to see that hurts. He did things to show me that he cared but then all of a sudden it stopped and he got mean. There were times when he treated me and showed me that there was more but then he said that I was imagining things.
If I was imaging things then why did he push me away? I don’t know why he started hurting me. I’m so scared that he is gone forever and that I will never be close to him again. I’m grateful for the time that I did have with him but it doesn’t change my love for him. I’m angry with God for letting me hurt like this. Why did he put in my life if I was going to get hurt.
There isn’t a time that I don’t hate myself for what I have done. I’ve been nothing but honest and look at me now. I don’t even know if I cross his mind or if I even truly meant anything to him. I look at the conversations that we had and I miss him so much.
Now I wonder if I was being used or what!? I don’t know what to believe anymore. I keep hoping something will happen and I won’t have to live this life like this anymore. I don’t know what to believe anymore since my heart keeps letting me down.