he’s gone

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It’s been three weeks since I spoke with the man that I am in love with and there is truly nothing that I can do about it. I keep waiting for my heart to explode. My friends at work say it’s a good thing and that I can move on with my life but my heart is telling me that it was the wrong thing to do. I wish that I could go back and just run away so that all this wouldn’t have happened.

With everything that has happened in the last couple weeks, I have gotten off track with my eating. Not going to OA from being sick and then my melt downs haven’t helped me.

When I think of his comment about not going anywhere and to be here now it breaks my heart even more. I used to tell him everything so losing my best friend is killing me. I feel like part of me is gone. I miss his smile and just his touch.

I wanted a life with him but he didn’t want one with me. But knowing that he has already moved on without me. I’m scared and there is nothing that I can do to change things. The heart attack feeling has gone away but I still think about him constantly.

I was really hoping that he would read this but I know now that he isn’t. I have tried to show him how I feel but it was never enough like I was never enough. I would rather die than to live like this.

Even now at work I feel like the outcast. My love for him has changed my life to the point that it doesn’t seem to matter. No words can ever bring him back but I can’t change how I feel.

I believed in him and us but found that what I felt was never enough. I feel like I am being punished and the pain has changed my life forever. I don’t believe in myself anymore. When I close my eyes I still see us together.

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