After going to my OA meeting tonight I learned something new just like I do after every meeting. Tonight we talked about the six step and letting God take away our defects.
With the roller coaster that I have been on the last couple months I am going through all these emotions finding a love that I never knew was real. I try to make amends when I have made a mistake but with emotions and trusting my gut how do I make amends for loving someone.
I am truly trying to leave it up to God and let go but I am so scared that he is gone forever. I believe in him and want him to be happy. But he has been so mean to me at times that I wonder why he did these things if he cared.
It’s like he punishes me for things that I can’t control. I have tried to act like he is just a friend and that I don’t love him but it just is like someone pushing a wrecking ball at me.
The moment our friendship changed we started pushing one another away. Now he has a wall up and won’t even be near me. I am constantly thinking about the moments we had together and the moment in Starbucks when I saw him for the first time.
Now that he is gone so is part of me. In 40 years I have never felt like this for anyone in my life and it scares me to death. With OA I know that I don’t have to live this alone and someone will listen when I just need a shoulder to cry on.
My best-friend is gone and I don’t him to pour my heart out too. I remember finally telling him how I felt and knowing that it was a one-sided love. The most he has ever said is that he missed me being away from me.