When I sit here and think about him being gone all I do is wonder if my love for him ever really mattered to him. Every moment that I try to breathe is like knives running through my heart. I am doing my best to let go but letting go means that I give up on what I believe and that’s not fare either. All I have for this man is love and respect. I would never want him to drink again even if we were together but he seems like he would if we were, it’s like an excuse. That’s the same as using food because I have a compulsive eating problem.
This man makes me happy and being next to him is like being on a cloud. I miss him smile and him being the life of the party. In therapy I had to write down what I wanted the a man to treat me and what I wanted in him and he was what I described. He has inspired so much in me, that I am writing again.
People seem to think that he might have used me but he went to talk to his former boss (my present boss) but I don’t know what he said or if even said if he cared about me or not. I fear that he is gone forever and my chance at possible happiness has gone out the door.
There are moments at work, I have to stop myself to remind myself to breathe because I fear of seeing him. I wonder if he would even look at me.
In my mind, nothing that I can say will bring him back or make him change his mind. I have lost my best friend. I have support at home and with OA but I still very alone and just wish that I was single and able to live my life.
Every decision that I make scares me because I fear that every chance means that I have lost the one man that I love without condition.
His anger for what I feel about him scares me because it’s punishment that I wasn’t what he signed up for. That day in Starbucks standing next to him, if I could change that moment I would but I can’t because I believe in what I feel.