still alive

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I really don’t know why I am still alive it’s like I am being punished for what I am going through. Every moment that I breathe I feel like I am having a heart attack. He hasn’t responded to me and unfriend my husband on FB. I started cutting myself but the pain is still there and doesn’t go away. I am doing all that I can not to let go of what I believe in. I love that man with all my heart and I mean nothing to him. He told me two weeks ago that I would NEVER be anything more to him than a friend.

I keep praying and asking God to let the pain soften if it’s not meant to be but it’s still there just as deep as it did from day one.  I’m scared to death that the man of my dreams is gone and there is nothing that I can do about it.

All the other times he didn’t walk away but once and now he is gone forever. I keep trying to trust my heart and my gut. Every moment that I live, I wish that I was dead so I wouldn’t have to feel this way.

All the memories of being with him play in my head constantly and it just makes me miss him more. I miss his smile and him being next to me. It doesn’t matter what I say or do, I don’t know that he will ever come back. My soul feels empty and I feel like all the life in me is gone.

Today I wanted to drink enough alcohol to drink him away. I made a list in therapy of what I want in a man and the whole list was him. All I do is write but I don’t feel like anyone is listening. I’m scared.

It’s been said that he broke me but wouldn’t put me back together. I wonder if I ever meant anything to him. I reached out to my first love because we are still friends and I wanted to talk to him about things but we haven’t been able to meet.

I won’t want to seek revenge but I wish that he could feel just half of the pain that I am feeling. I keep writing but I can’t even begin to find the words for what I feel for him.

He brings out my wild side but also my loving side. I would give anything to have those moments back with him, being back in his arms and just being with him again.

As the tears stream down my cheeks I hope that God’s plan gives me peace when I am hurting so much.

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