With all these things that have happened in the last few months I told Michael that we need to find a way to spend sometime apart. But still I haven’t spoken with the other guy since last Thursday and he doesn’t know about the separation yet. Michael and I don’t know what to believe with him because he says he only wants a friendship with me but there seems to be more there. He has posted things on Facebook and on messenger to me but I haven’t responded to them. I want him more than words can say but there is nothing that I can do to be with me. The truth is if he doesn’t want me then I am done with him because the pain hurts beyond words. It’s hard to sit on Facebook and know that he is on as well and not speak to him.
The pain is to the point that I want to scream and all I do is cry. I haven’t wanted to scream since my brother died and this seems to hurt just as much or worse then that. This is the 5th time that we have gone through his where I walk away from him and we don’t speak for a few days and we just go to the way things were before. I love him more than he could ever know. But the thing that bothers me most is I feel like he thinks its about the sex and it’s not. If that never happened again, so what, I just want to be with him. Despite all the events that have happened, he is a good guy and I want him to stay clean but I wish that he wanted me half as much as I want him.
There is a great fear that I will never be with him again or speak to him again. I was angry with him the other night about what he posted on Facebook about boundaries, so I wrote him a letter to say goodbye. I haven’t sent it but I have it saved so that if I do decide to send it I know how to copy and paste. I’m supposed to trust my instincts and that says that he loves and wants me but when he keeps saying no, I don’t know what to believe.