It’s been more than 24 hours since I last spoke to the man that I thought was so much more than a friend. He keeps sending me messages but I refuse to speak to him. Being professional I have sent him the emails pertaining to me starting my job the library but I won’t respond to him at all. He wants to be friends and I don’t want to be anywhere near him. Every time I see his face, I am reminded of the intimate times that I spent with him. I haven’t cried since Thursday but I still feel like someone yanked my heart out. I can’t be around someone who has hurt me and it’s not good for me with just starting OA. I just want to crawl back in bed and wish all these events wouldn’t have happened. I know that I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him but there is no denying that I have. My heart keeps telling me that he feels the same way but I would rather just keep my distance. My heart hurt so much that every breathe is painful. With these events I am back to hating myself but it’s hard to like myself when I feel like sh*t. I have been doing a lot of praying but I keep getting the same answer and I can’t walk back into the situation that has hurt me so bad. There is nothing that can be said or done to change what has happened. I feel like I believed in someone who didn’t believe in me. I have never loved anyone this way and it all scares me then to get hurt like this just makes it worse. My husband says that time will heal this wound like it did with Chad but not this time. I almost would rather be single so that I wouldn’t have anyone with me so that I can deal with this all alone.
I wanted to go out last night to celebrate the big news about starting a new job but without any money, it can’t happen. The position keeps me working by myself which is great so that I can keep to myself. I just want to know that I can do things again without anyone’s help.