Tonight is the first night in several years that my husband has taken care of me sexually it was great but my mind was somewhere else. The friendship with the other man is more than just sex but I feel something deep. I don’t want to lose my marriage but what I feel is real and know that he won’t be with me because he doesn’t want that type of relationship. My heart tells me that he loves me too. I am grateful that my husband is trying but now that I am in OA life is changing and so is the world around me.
When I see that I have a message from him, my heart lights up and I feel important again. As for the two of them, I think that friendship is depleting. We are going to try marriage counseling but I don’t know if things can be fixed. My family knows what’s going on and are happy that I am feeling a love that I haven’t felt in years. When I spent time with him on Saturday he held my hand for the first time and I didn’t want to let go. I laid in his arms and I was the happiest person on the planet. I think about his smile and I just want to melt.
He has changed my heart and the way love can be. Everyday I wonder if today is going to be the day that he leaves and it scares me to death. I try to let him make the first move so that I am not coming on to strong. I even tried to push him away but he came back. I treat him like gold because I think he is such a good guy.
There are other positives happening in my life but I don’t want to celebrate them because I feel they will disappear. I am down 31 pounds since the second of January. I got a job offer today. I finally like myself which I have never done. All these things and he is the one that I can’t stop thinking about.
So now what do I do?