Deep subject of love

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With all these things going on life was bound to happen. Michael and I have been arguing and things with the other person have been rocky. I have been told that nothing more than a friendship would all the rest would be but my heart tells me that there is more there then what’s being expressed. I won’t lie that I do care for this person very deeply and it would hurt me if he ended up back at the bottle. I care about him but the truth is that its just sex with a side of friendship.

For the past 5 to 7 years I have been nothing more than a caregiver because of all his medical issues. Now that all these things have happened and I am human my heart has been through the ringer more than once. I’m trying not to think that I am being used but it’s what I am starting to believe. I love both of them and don’t want to see either of them hurt.

When you have to apologize for caring about someone or that you want to be with them, that’s why you know that you do care for them. He doesn’t seem to understand and is reading in it what he wants to think that I am saying.

Just as I am sitting here writing this I am beating myself up because he seems frustrated with me but when he pushes things so much how else am I supposed to feel.

As a teenager I used sex to fulfill the loneliness part of my life because I didn’t feel love. I knew my parent’s loved me but I felt it was the only way a man would love me is with sex. I made a lot of mistakes growing up and as a young adult but when people make you feel like you are nothing, what else are you supposed to expect. After not having that intimate part of a relationship for so long and to have it again what else am I supposed to feel.

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