My Weight Not Todd

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I’m have a broken heart and it seems that people are not reading my blog correctly. I care more about losing this last 30 to 40 pounds then I do about Todd. I would say that I was used and lied too. He broke my heart but has yet to take blame for any of it. I don’t think that he has ever cared about me at all. I thought that he was someone special and that I could trust him. I told him secrets that no one had heard. I gave him my soul and he took it for granted.

Now I am back focused on losing this weight and getting my life back in order. I don’t like the way I look and I am making the choice to change it for my health. After a breast cancer scare last year I felt that it was time to get things in gear and do what I needed to do to prolong my life. I want to be healthy and like the way I look. In my 40 years of like I can count on one hand how many times that I have liked the way I looked when I walked out the door.

I won’t lie that I am hurting still everyday very much but it’s not what I am obsessed about. I have given up on Todd because he gave up on me. He stopped caring so did I. He doesn’t want me then that’s his loss, I have people who want me around, that enjoy what I bring into their lives. I’m not perfect by any means but I can’t just pick up the pieces overnight and fix something that I don’t know how to fix. I’m grateful that you came into my life and gave me some happiness or what I thought was happiness.

I’m doing my best to trust my faith that my HP will come through for me when life is tough. I’m scared and wonder what else is going to happen. I’m just trying to live for today and not for tomorrow or for yesterday. I can only be me and if you can’t accept that, then I am sorry.

Letting Go!

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The truth is I can’t seem to let go, I have been given the homework to write what I would say to Todd if he approached me but it’s not been easy. I have an arrange of emotions. It hurts that he hasn’t even asked about me. I guess that I wasn’t that important to him. Michael calls him a womanizer but I don’t want to believe that. I hurt and don’t know what to believe.

Now that I know that he isn’t coming back it’s killing me inside. I feel like I am constantly having a heart attack. I thought that I could let go but the truth is I don’t know that I will be able too.

I heard on the radio this morning that when a spouse looses weight or improves their appearance that they tend to leave and Michael is worried but since Todd isn’t coming back, I don’t think that he has anything to worry about.

Do you believe that?

He’s never coming back

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It’s been over a month since I have tried to communicate with Todd and it’s been over a month since he blocked me on Facebook. Despite it not being the outcome that I didn’t want I have come to accept it. I still love him and miss him every minute of every day. I’ve been trying to stay busy but that doesn’t keep me from thinking about him. I’m scared that I have made the wrong decision and that I have let go of something that should have been forever. I have been trying to get back to focusing on my weight loss but with my broken ankle it’s been hard to exercise.

I feel very alone despite not being alone. I have been worried about money like I always am. My mind is so full of thoughts. I  am grateful to have had Todd in my life and I don’t think that he reads this so he doesn’t see how important he is to me. I wonder if he even thinks about me or even cares about me or if he ever did. I truly think that I will never see him again.

As much as I have tried I can’t put the words together of what I would say to him if I did see him. I am still very hurt and no words can change our current status.

Moments Lost

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It seems like all of my moments with Todd have been lost now. I can hold onto the memories but I will never get to have anymore moments like I had before. I constant think about what we could have done together and all the things that I should have done with him. I fear that my time with Todd is gone forever but know that maybe it is for the best. I know that if he cared the way that he said that he did he wouldn’t have left.

It still hurts knowing that he stopped fighting for me. My mind is so fuzzy and I don’t feel good. I feel guilty for coming home from work yesterday but after having two sneezing fits and feeling like I was going to hurl I thought it was time to come home. I don’t feel any better today. My head is starting to throb. When I reflect on part of my time with Todd, I think that he has taken part of my heart with him.

Where do I stand?

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When I think about the last month of my life the more I wonder where I stand in the world. I know that people love me and care about me but I still don’t know what value I am worth. I haven’t cried since the last time that I saw Todd but I won’t say that I still don’t think about him or care about him. I do miss him but for all the pain that he has caused me I wonder what I was ever worth to him.

I’m scared about every decision I make for fear of hurting someone that I love or care about. I am staying regardless of my happiness because I owe it to Michael to make this work since he didn’t sign up for my mistakes. I love him but I question the value of love knowing what it’s done to me. I feel very alone even when I am surrounded by lots of people.

It’s hard to go to work when I fear that I will see Todd when right now I have nothing that I can say without coming off as a bitch but the pain I feel would give me that right, I guess. He has been called a womanizer but that’s not what I see. I see a great guy that has some issues and is trying to improve his life. I would assume that he has moved on and is dating Shelly.

Every time I think about him or just remember our time together, I feel like my chest is going to explode. I’m writing constantly but it’s not enough to make me feel better. I can’t find the right words to say or wonder if there would ever be words to make things right or fix things. I would walk away from him because the thought of trying to speak to him would still kill me.

On top of the constant roller coaster of my life, my foot, and the job that I love. I just feel like I’m being punished. I’m scared constantly and don’t know where I stand in the world. I don’t even know if Todd’s love would matter to me now or it would just make me feel worse. This world has become a dark and scary place. I pray every morning and night that I find my place. I trust my gut but it keeps letting me down. I’m letting go but it doesn’t seem to matter.

Where do you stand, in life, in the world? Does love change where you stand?

Writing instead of hurting

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In the last months since Todd has been gone I have been focusing on my writing and trying to get the stuff typed up so that my new editor can get my stuff gone through. I have two appointments tomorrow and time in between them so I can work on getting more typed up. I won’t lie I do still miss Todd and wish that he was in my life.

There are days at work just being there kills me inside because we aren’t friends anymore. I have support at work but it doesn’t change what our current state is. I have memories that I don’t want to let go of but it doesn’t bring him back either. People say that I am better off without him. I have slowly started to let go despite what my heart says.

I am putting forth the effort to fix my marriage but it doesn’t get fixed over night. I still hurt and there are still things that I won’t let go of. I’m focusing on my job.

Endless Pain

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I’m getting really good at hiding my pain from people or I just don’t talk to people anymore. I spent yesterday in bed until I had to go to a work function. My boss has agreed to be my editor so I am trying to get things typed up. Then Tuesday I was struggling so bad that I came home from work and went to bed missing my step group and Tuesday night group of OA. I don’t know if I am more upset that I haven’t heard from him or knowing that he is truly gone.

Went to do the doctor today and I have to wear the cast for two more weeks. I feel very alone and angry. I’m stressed about money and things with work. I feel like a let down to my boss and to Todd because I haven’t been able to give my 100% because of my cast/foot. I’m trying to focus on myself to get myself back on track and also work on trying to love Michael again. Now my son is having issues which makes me feel worse.

I keep playing the events of the time that I have spent with Todd and all the fun times we had. I am trying to hold onto something that won’t ever happen. I feel like my love wasn’t enough and my apologize wasn’t enough. Well that’s the update as of now.