In this moment I am caught up in where I am at. I don’t know where I belong in the world. I go to work and work but come home and stay to myself. I don’t socialize with people because I just feel very alone. I’m constantly restless and don’t know what to do, so I eat. Now I have gained more than 20 pounds back which took me more than 6 months to take off. I don’t want to gain the weight back but I have to find my motivation/determination again so that I can live without having to eat constantly.
Everyday I wonder why God took Michael from me and what I am supposed to do with my life now. I try to keep myself busy with work and other things but then I end up at home alone caught up in my thoughts. Todd works so much that I can’t get any time with him. My best friend is over the road driver so she is hard to get time with. I am doing what I can not to be a bother to people. Even Simon our cat is having issues that I don’t know what to do about. I am living for now because it’s all that I have for right now.
Life has changed since Michael passed away almost 3 weeks ago. Everyday I wait and wish that he would come home but I see the boxes that he is in and know that he is home. I try to spend time with my family sine I realize that people can be taken from you in an instant. I am grateful for all the support that I am getting from work and elsewhere. But I still have days that just getting out of bed is difficult. I’m learning to cook for one again and trying to go through things so that maybe one day I’ll move on. I’m still worried about every decision that I make is going to be the wrong one. I’m struggling on things but don’t want to ask for help because this is my issue and I don’t want anyone to help me. The days that I don’t go to work I miss work but the days that I do work, I feel like I should be at home mourning the loss of my husband. I really don’t know what to do.
It’s been a little over a week since Michael passed away. My life sure isn’t the same not having him to cook for or having anyone to answer too when I was going to see my family. I keep thinking about if something happens to me like when I broke my ankle having Michael take care of me. Since losing him I have learned that we can lose people at the drop of a hat. Michael didn’t take care of himself and that maybe the reason why he isn’t with us anymore. He is now the reason why I have to focus on eating right and focusing on getting my daily exercise in. I may have lost 50 pounds but I still have 30 pounds to go before I get to my goal weight. I go back to work tomorrow and I feel like I am just starting this job for the first time because I haven’t been there in over a week. Even when my ankle was broke I never missed work like this. I have to live for today and only for today because tomorrow isn’t promised.
Today I came home from the grocery store to find that my husband has passed away. There is not a lot to say today because I am still in shock about it. I am just grateful that he doesn’t have to suffer anymore. My parent’s and family are a great support but I still don’t know where I am or what I am doing. Part of me wants to go home and find him at home. Well, I should hit the hay, goodnight all.
Since I have been put on so much medicine I haven’t been losing weight like I was before. Now I am getting frustrated with myself since the scale doesn’t seem to like me right now. I officially started the InShape program today and the scale said 204 at the office but at home it said 201.2 which is a little better. I have been a basket case all day long which is making things even worse. I get my hand surgery on Friday morning but now I am worried that mom can’t take me so that has me even more freaked out.
Tonight’s dinner is going to be a veggie plate since we don’t have a whole lot to pick from meat wise. We were going to go up the street and check out the gym that says they only charge ten dollars a month. On top of my stuff Michael had to get a cast put back on his foot so that just means that we have issues to worry about. I miss Todd and wish that I had someone to talk too.
It seems that with some much going on that I feel lost. I haven’t been to work in over four days and I feel like I am lost in the world. Nothing from Todd so that doesn’t surprise me because I know what I mean to him. I miss work but just want to go back without question. I have been up since 4:30 this morning and I wish that I could curl up and just go back to bed. I’m doing what I can but I feel like I am just living without thought. I finished another notebook which means that I wrote enough poems or sentences to fill a notebook.
I am going back to work tomorrow and I hope that I come in with good news. I have my hand surgery next Friday. I just hope that the next couple days go quick so that I can focus on other things. I hope that I can move on without Todd but he doesn’t seem to get far from my mind.
The last couple weeks have been anything but normal since seeing and talking to Todd. We are strangers again and I feel like he just left me again. I miss him so much. As much as I want to be with him I know that will never happen and those are his words not mine. I gave him my heart and never asked for anything in return. I know that I will never be Kristy(the one he wants).
There are times I feel like I am drowning in my own pain. I wanted things with Todd that I thought would happen and when they didn’t I just let myself get hurt. Please understand that I do love Michael but it’s not the same love it was from when we first got married. I feel more like his caretaker than his wife. I am trying to fall in love with him again but I am also trying to separate myself from Todd.
I love two men but only one of them loves me and for one of them my love is enough but for the other it isn’t enough. I wish that I was half the person that Kristy is so that I could be with Todd but I”m not. When I think about my life right now I don’t know who I am or where I belong.
I am still surprised that Todd even wanted to talk to me since we hadn’t spoken in over three months. I wonder if he even thinks about me or misses me half as much as I miss him.