lessons from OA

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After going to my OA meeting tonight I learned something new just like I do after every meeting. Tonight we talked about the six step and letting God take away our defects.

With the roller coaster that I have been on the last couple months I am going through all these emotions finding a love that I never knew was real. I try to make amends when I have made a mistake but with emotions and trusting my gut how do I make amends for loving someone.

I am truly trying to leave it up to God and let go but I am so scared that he is gone forever. I believe in him and want him to be happy. But he has been so mean to me at times that I wonder why he did these things if he cared.

It’s like he punishes me for things that I can’t control. I have tried to act like he is just a friend and that I don’t love him but it just is like someone pushing a wrecking ball at me.

The moment our friendship changed we started pushing one another away. Now he has a wall up and won’t even be near me. I am constantly thinking about the moments we had together and the moment in Starbucks when I saw him for the first time.

Now that he is gone so is part of me. In 40 years I have never felt like this for anyone in my life and it scares me to death. With OA I know that I don’t have to live this alone and someone will listen when I just need a shoulder to cry on.

My best-friend is gone and I don’t him to pour my heart out too. I remember finally telling him how I felt and knowing that it was a one-sided love. The most he has ever said is that he missed me being away from me.

love is all I have

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When I sit here and think about him being gone all I do is wonder if my love for him ever really mattered to him. Every moment that I try to breathe is like knives running through my heart. I am doing my best to let go but letting go means that I give up on what I believe and that’s not fare either. All I have for this man is love and respect. I would never want him to drink again even if we were together but he seems like he would if we were, it’s like an excuse. That’s the same as using food because I have a compulsive eating problem.

This man makes me happy and being next to him is like being on a cloud. I miss him smile and him being the life of the party. In therapy I had to write down what I wanted the a man to treat me and what I wanted in him and he was what I described. He has inspired so much in me, that I am writing again.

People seem to think that he might have used me but he went to talk to his former boss (my present boss) but I don’t know what he said or if even said if he cared about me or not. I fear that he is gone forever and my chance at possible happiness has gone out the door.

There are moments at work, I have to stop myself to remind myself to breathe because I fear of seeing him. I wonder if he would even look at me.

In my mind, nothing that I can say will bring him back or make him change his mind. I have lost my best friend. I have support at home and with OA but I still very alone and just wish that I was single and able to live my life.

Every decision that I make scares me because I fear that every chance means that I have lost the one man that I love without condition.

His anger for what I feel about him scares me because it’s punishment that I wasn’t what he signed up for. That day in Starbucks standing next to him, if I could change that moment I would but I can’t because I believe in what I feel.

still alive

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I really don’t know why I am still alive it’s like I am being punished for what I am going through. Every moment that I breathe I feel like I am having a heart attack. He hasn’t responded to me and unfriend my husband on FB. I started cutting myself but the pain is still there and doesn’t go away. I am doing all that I can not to let go of what I believe in. I love that man with all my heart and I mean nothing to him. He told me two weeks ago that I would NEVER be anything more to him than a friend.

I keep praying and asking God to let the pain soften if it’s not meant to be but it’s still there just as deep as it did from day one.  I’m scared to death that the man of my dreams is gone and there is nothing that I can do about it.

All the other times he didn’t walk away but once and now he is gone forever. I keep trying to trust my heart and my gut. Every moment that I live, I wish that I was dead so I wouldn’t have to feel this way.

All the memories of being with him play in my head constantly and it just makes me miss him more. I miss his smile and him being next to me. It doesn’t matter what I say or do, I don’t know that he will ever come back. My soul feels empty and I feel like all the life in me is gone.

Today I wanted to drink enough alcohol to drink him away. I made a list in therapy of what I want in a man and the whole list was him. All I do is write but I don’t feel like anyone is listening. I’m scared.

It’s been said that he broke me but wouldn’t put me back together. I wonder if I ever meant anything to him. I reached out to my first love because we are still friends and I wanted to talk to him about things but we haven’t been able to meet.

I won’t want to seek revenge but I wish that he could feel just half of the pain that I am feeling. I keep writing but I can’t even begin to find the words for what I feel for him.

He brings out my wild side but also my loving side. I would give anything to have those moments back with him, being back in his arms and just being with him again.

As the tears stream down my cheeks I hope that God’s plan gives me peace when I am hurting so much.

Faith & Love

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My husband has started talking to the man that I am in love with again but he says that he can’t remain friends with him because of the whole thing. I haven’t spoken to him in almost two weeks and every moment is killing me. I have started cutting myself to release the pain the in my heart. Sitting here writing this is very painful but I feel like I need to get it out.

I am holding out hoping for a good outcome and praying for something good to happen but I fear the worst. I have been in love before but not like this. This man used to be good to me and treat me right and now he is just plain hateful and mean to me. I know that he talked to my boss after my melt down last week but that just makes me feel worse.

It’s scary to live right now and there’s nothing that I can do to make myself feel better. My gut tells me not to let go but in some ways I think that I have already let go. He hasn’t tried to contact me so I think that he has let go. Everywhere I look is a painful reminder of him and what I love. I go to the Starbucks on Mass Av. and all I think about is falling in love with him and being near him. He is always on my mind.

He was my OA cheerleader and it shows since I haven’t been to a meeting in two weeks. I wish that I was able to just give up.

Happy Memorial Day

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Thank you to my husband, veteran Michael Painter and my best friend Todd whom is also a veteran for serving our country and fighting for our freedom.

Thank you to all the veterans whom have given their lives for our freedom and their time to this country.

holiday weekend, love missed

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It’s been about a week since we started talking again but I am getting grief at home about it. My thought that is if I am happy then that should be all that matters. I may never be what I want to be with him but I am his friend at least. He is spending the weekend with his kids and brother. He talked to me before I left for work yesterday but I wasn’t able to see him since he wasn’t home. I miss him but he is happy and that’s all that matters to me.

I couldn’t even sleep in this morning because I am so used to getting up early for work. I didn’t even make it to my OA meeting this week because I am broke out on my face from something but don’t know what from. I’m trying to stay positive despite all the things that are against me. I’m trying not to focus on what is going wrong but what is going right. I want to be with him but I have to go at his pace and not my own. I wonder if he has told his kids about me.

I won’t lie that I am still heartbroken over him despite the friendship. Being an emotional wreck is making my weight bump up and down which stresses me out. I am trying to accept life on life’s terms even though I want more. I try not to go to the Starbucks that we used to go the one that he goes too because it just brings back memories.

I wish everyone a wonderful holiday weekend.

deep in my heart

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Todd and I friends again despite Michael not being happy about it. I am still worried about getting hurt and I am telling him something’s that I haven’t said before. I am working on step 4 in OA so I am trying to work on myself to make me a better person. He doesn’t want anything but a friendship and I have to accept it despite what I feel. I care about him and love him but I can’t change how I feel. I’m scared and worried about what’s next in life. I didn’t sleep last night and now I just want to go home and lie down. I won’t lie that every time I breathe I still feel like I’m having a heart attack. I don’t know how to be around him with what I feel. I sent him an email and told him something’s last night but he didn’t respond to them. My faith isn’t restored yet but there is hope. He sent me a message last night that I could say hello at work but I don’t know if I am going to be able to do it. Well, I hope that if I do see him I hope it goes well. I brought my friend Alyssa a cupcake for just being there for me and listening to me cry.